Reply Archive XII

Do you think a third penis would look silly and/or be overkill?
Yes. Think how dehydrated you would be if all of them came at once. Then again, it would be easy to get those three penis penetration shots without actually hiring 4 people to do it.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Smurfs actually explode on contact to their neck. So I guess it would turn red.

Can i wack you on the head with my panis?
I see we have a math problem here. First of all we must determine if you actually have a panis. Since I really have no desire to risk seeing your panis were I to look down your pants I'll assume you have one. Now we must determine your distance, since no one is currently in the room with me the distance is longer than 8 feet. Now, we take guess at the length of your panis and add about 3 feet for generosity and ego, this gives us something along the lines of 3.5 feet. Subtract that from 8 feet, leaving us with 6.5 feet left. Now we need to calculate the amount of time it would take you to get close enough to my head to hit me. With your pants around your ankles in order to expose the panis I would say it will take you about 45 seconds to travel 7 feet, the shortest distance you could be from me. Take into account also that I would run if I saw somene with no pants and a 3 and a half foot panis running at me and your answer is: No.

Do they make fleshy-type strap on dildos because I can't slap my bitch with the plastic kind.
Yes they do but normally they can only be found in bright red and electric blue and in sizes of 1 foot to 3 feet. This normally decreases the slapping ability when it is strapped on.

Can I mail you my shit, so you can tell me what it smells like?
Back in the early 70's when I was living in Kansas with my three legged dog. I used to offer this sort of thing as a service to the local townsfolk and any tourist who would pass through town. Unfortunately because I misdiagnosed the smell of a very pretty young woman's shit in order to gain her fancy, my shit-smelling liscense was revoked and I am no longer allowed to legally perform this duty. So, no.

Why does it take you 9 million years to answer Ask Us questions? If you want us to ask Us, shouldn't you answer us, Us?
Previously I was sending my questions forward in time to the future, but since some of the answers I received weren't as funny, I sent a bunch furhter forward in time. So, in 9 million years when I reach the point that they're at, I'll post the answers.

I went poo poo all over the rug, how do I get it out?
This is a common household remedy from Pakistan. Since poo-poo is flammable and water isn't, douse the rug in water then light the poo-poo on fire. When the fire goes out the poo should be gone. Then all you need to do is sweep up the ashes.

When are you going to answer any of my questions?
Right after I finish teaching my pet fish how to rollerskate.

When are you going to put a new poll up (and I don't mean a long slender thing that stippers use to dance with)?
Geez, I put up one popular editorial about my friend and now everything thinks usian.org is all about strippers. It's about exotic dancers damnit! They don't actually take all their clothes off.