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I’m a fan of public transportation. I’m also a resident of Los Angeles. For those of you not in the know, mass transit and LA go together like bacon and skyscrapers. Riding the convoluted rail lines across most of LA this last week I spied a flyer for an LA Metro expansion meeting. I snagged one and found there were two upcoming meetings reasonably close to me.

The meeting itself was informative and interesting. They discussed many of the engineering challenges that go into adding a new subway or rail line. They also discussed the budget, which is currently the largest obstacle to increasing the subway system here. Specifically mentioned in this meeting was Measure R, a plan to increase the county’s sales tax half a cent in order to fund half of the expansion (the other half would likely be provided by the federal government). I support the measure, personally, as I think this city needs more rails before it chokes to death.

The thing is, the meeting well worth it without the information on the rail expansion. You see, if there’s one basic essence of public transportation that Los Angeles does have it’s Crazies. Boy do we have crazies. Train crazies, station crazies, and bus crazies. Bus crazies most of all. Let’s take a closer look at the Train Crazies at the meeting.

Kimberly. Citizens were given the floor of the meeting, called out in a queue by name ahead of time. Kimberly’s name was second. Kimberly was about six foot seven, maybe 250 pounds, and a man. A man with dyed purple and red hair, and a very normal man voice. Kimberly was also dressed in purples and pinks, in a slightly feminine style, which concealed either breast implants or man boobs. Kimberly’s point was well spoken, though, and he or she was a lover of the train.

The Professor. A shaggy haired man in a brown sport coat and a poorly kept shirt came next on the crazy train. The illusion of sanity was broken the instant his mic turned on. This man was here to yell. In his two minutes time, he told us how the “Subway to Hell” was crime infested and poorly planned. He told us how a gang of gay blacks from West Hollywood called The Rainbow Cryps routinely harassed the riders. He told us that they called him The Professor, which was fitting with his frazzled white hair, flailing arms, and disheveled clothes. And finally, he yelled that he gave weekly tours of the Subway to Hell in Hollywood, urging us to come see him if we wanted to see what we’d be bringing to our neighborhood.

Sign Guy. I regret that I don’t remember Sign Guy’s name, but he had a sign. A young tall black man in a very nice suit with an energetic manner and a friendly smile. I thought he was going to be an excellent speaker with his initial address to the audience. That’s when I realized he essentially had nothing to say. He’s brought a sign he made to show his plans for how the subway should expand. He explained his idea like so: “So, I’m a big fan of like the subway in New York. Like I love the subway. And like I love the subway in Paris. But like, I’ve never been there. So like, I want that here. I mean I love the subway man. I love it. And so, I got this drawing here. And like, we should do this. You know? I mean we should do this, because I think it’s a good idea. You know what I mean? It’s a good idea. So, like, let’s do it. You know? I mean, I think it’s really good and see, I’ve got this drawing here, so you can see what it would be like. And man, I love this idea, so we should do it guys. Let’s do this.” I won’t claim it’s verbatim, but it’s damn close.

Major characters aside, there were lots of attendees in various stages of descent into public transit insanity, or PTI as the doctors are calling it. A chief symptom is the need to yell despite being given a microphone and a quiet room with the attention of the audience. One man opened his comments saying he opposed Measure R, on the grounds that the trains in LA were underdeveloped, which he felt could not be solved by additional funding. Having said his piece with a minute and a half remaining, he chose to yell about the highway department and whatever else had bothered him that day.

Questions were answered at the end of the meeting, trying to fit in the answers before the meeting ended. Staff at the meeting were sent outside several times to quiet an argument between train crazies that had sparked up in the parking lot. Finally, as questions were wrapping up, PTI spread to the crowd and a few attendees began yelling objections without the microphone. Nick and I headed for the door before the infection spread.

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This entry was posted Monday, September 15th, 2008 at 10:30 am and is filed under rants. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.