It seems like only a a year ago that I was writing out a list about the best of 2004. In reality it’s been a year and a day, but the point was that it feels like a long time ago. This is reinforced by my feeling that 2003 and 2004 really kind of blended together. Overall, it was a good year for me, though because I’ve neither updated nor heard complaints about the lack of updates in several months it hasn’t been a great year for usian.org. In preparation for this article though, I read the two past years in review and discovered that the content fall-off in the later months of the year is actually quite standard. I presented this along with a graph and some other supporting data to the Usian Editorial Council and was greeted with a full compliment of stern and disappointed looks. Apparently, the plan was for 2004 to show an improvement. Well, I showed that goal who’s boss!
Thinking back to 2004, I generally start with early summer. Not for any particular reason, I just like to think about that part first. Also, because my brain is more like a cassette deck than a CD player, I don’t like to rewind. This allows me the convenience of mostly overlooking January through April. So anyway, the first month of the year (May) was excellent. Doing a quick review I remember very little drunkenness this year. This could be a sign that I’ve slowed my partying in my old age, or possibly that I drank much more heavily when the opportunity arose. There are lots of things I forget from this year, but among the things I still remember are moving to a new apartment, wrecking and later paying lots to fix my car, and not having television. That last part really sticks out.
In order to blunt the agony of not having television, I’ll move on to usian.org’s best of 2004:
Funniest Thing I Said in 2004: “Good luck with that.”
This requires a little bit of explanation to be funny. Even with that, most people will probably not enjoy it as much as I did, chalk that up to my mean-spiritedness I guess. Since this list is mine and I don’t have forums to complain in, suck it up.
In our office, myself and my co-worker David were discussing some completely boring and inconsequential work issue. Another co-worker Joel walked up and stood around listening. After a few seconds, I looked up at him and asked: “May I help you?”. He shrugged and said: “Oh! No.” I waved him away. As he walked away he said: “I just wanted to feel important.” To which I replied: “Good luck with that.” There were a few oohs and ahhs at the burn and then I felt a wonderful feeling. I now know that feeling is called sadistic glee.
Best Article of 2004: Talc, the Wonder Mineral
I absolutely loved this article. Earlier in the day, I set out to write something specifically in a boring tone. It was sort of a writing project that I wanted to see if I could accomplish. I think I may have failed that part because a larger than expected number of people said they read it. What I did not fail on, however, was putting together a very informative article about Talc, which is truly an amazing mineral. Since I can’t be funny all the time, it’s nice to know that some of my readers (2 out of 5?) enjoyed this factual article.
Drunkest I Was in 2004: Worst Night Ever™
Not only did this night top the 2004 list for drunkeness, it topped my most horrible night of drinking lifetime, smashing the previous record set on my 20th birthday. I hope that I never again break this record. The scene was the bar about 100 feet from my apartment. Not my apartment building, it’s probably only about 60 feet from the edge of the building. After work one Friday night, Erik, Haven, and I went to this bar for a few drinks. I had not had dinner yet because it was immediately after work. We ordered a round, then another while I ignored the conversation and watched the Dodgers play against the Yankees on the TV. Eventually, Haven started ordering rounds without asking and I started drinking them just to keep up. At some point, I went from watching baseball to wandering around the small bar. I’m not sure how much time passed but I also ended up in a room full of people doing karaoke before being stricken with hiccups. I could not stop hiccuping and went outside to try to throw up. Standing by the dumpster waiting, I was told that I could not throw up in their parking lot by an employee of the bar. So I walked home. I can barely remember the trouble I had with the keys and by the end of my short journey I was crawling into the bathroom.
An indeterminate amount of time later, Haven and Erik call, asking to be let into the building. I cursed them out and hung up the phone. One of my neighbors let them in and they shortly wandered into the unlocked apartment to ask if I was all right. Four hours later, I had thrown up so much that I was shivering. The next morning my chest hurt from the physical act of vomitting. I had a headache for days. It was terrible. Also, at some point while I was puking, my friends went to the store to buy beer.
[Site Content Related] Failures of 2004: This is not a best, nor is there just one, Yippee!
This last year was a year of many failures in the field of site content. If I were to list all failures it might exceed my alotted hosting space in addition to making me look sad. Also, I doubt I could remember all the times I got shot down by women this last year. But I can remember all the times I faltered trying to meet the above mentioned goal of improvement for usian.org. So, in chronological order:
25 Updates: This seemed pretty damn simple. It wasn’t weekly updates, and it wasn’t even really bi-weekly updates. I knew I was going to have 5 articles for National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week so I only had to write 20 articles the entire rest of the year. Doing one every other week would leave me 4 chances to miss one. The hidden voodoo magic of usian.org is that if you tell someone about an update before it happens, it will fail. Somewhere in February, I let the cat out of the bag. Guess when I fell off the schedule?
Robot History Month: This is probably my biggest disappointment of the year. Considering that I could talk or write endlessly about robots I thought a surefire way to take 4 points off that 25 updates was to write one article a week in February for Robot History Month. Guess how this coincided with me telling someone about my 25 updates plan.
National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week: AHA! Smartypants people who’ve looked at the site in the last 5 months or so probably think I failed to write the last article of the week for National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. I did not! In fact, the failure here is much more embarrassing. I wrote the article, which is here. What I failed to do was ever update the main page telling anyone about it for the entire rest of the year. I don’t do many things on a world class level, but I’ve got neglect and laziness at gold medal caliber.
Last Second of 2004: #31,535,999
I spent this second explaining to someone that my cell phone didn’t have seconds so we couldn’t do a countdown to the new year.
Worst Movie of 2004: Tie! Day After Tomorrow / Van Helsing
This past year produced two amazingly bad movies that I had the displeasure of watching. Neither left me feeling as cheated as Signs, which inspired a worst movie entry in 2002 and one of my longest articles ever. Day After Tomorrow was ridiculous in nearly every aspect. I was particularly surprised by the fast approaching waves of extra-cold air, which would freeze things that had already frozen… AGAIN! Van Helsing, I did not make it all the way through. I’m happy to say I didn’t pay to see Van Helsing. It was so amazingly cheesy that Erik and I could not sit through it entirely. Both movies, though terrible may be worthy of watching simply to be made fun of.
There are lots of other things I could rank as best or worst for the year, but the real question is, how many of them would be funny if ranked in such a way. So we venture forth into 2005, which will hopefully seem distinct from 2003 when it’s over.