The Future of Brit Kicking (is Now)
Some people say that National Kick a Brit in the Nuts week has faded
from national consciousness, and that the few, yet proud, adherents to
America’s oldest holiday are much like the last handful of Japanese
soldiers who refused to believe that their Emperor had surrendered, and
continued to hide out in the dense jungle of their South Pacific island,
year after lonely year, until one by one they were let in on the cruel
truth that they had been hiding from humanity needlessly … I am often,
in my most dismal moments, inclined to believe them. Whatever the sorry
state of this holiday (and you might remember my several previous essays
and other contributors’ efforts to illustrate its glorious past) — we
at usian.org look to the future. And for me, the future looks good.
You, my loyal reader, might just be a member of the future vanguard of
valiant Brit-kickers (provided you aren’t a jaded old-timer, but someone
who has stumbled upon usian.org for it’s brand of youthful, irreverent
humor, tasteless images, and pee sex). Brit-kicking as a National
Passtime has suffered from a variety of problems that has lead to
something of a decline, and for which the technologies of the
near-future (and for many of these technologies, the future is now!)
offer solutions, not least among them is the increasing difficulty to
identify the British, especially the younger generation of them, what
with improved dental care, shifting global fashion trends, and the
Britons’ sheer pluck and determination to hide from our boot-bats. So,
AmeriTech 3000 offers the first of its kind, a hand-held Brit-detector,
with an optional Canadian plug-in. The Brit-or-Not spyscope is a
night-vision enabled scope which will flawlessly identify Britishers
using the latest in Brit identification technology. Never again suffer
from a lack of Brit-Kicking victims. (Retails for $399 in three
fashionable colors: American Flag, Gun-Mental Grey, & Camo)
As we all know, the younger generation suffers from atrophied arm and
leg muscles do to endless hours spent playing video games and plugged
into the “inernet.” This makes swinging the traditional Boot-Bat
something of a problem. Never fear, as Cincinnati’s Bat-Science
Workshop has the answer. Their robotic Boot-Bat (a cheap $250 at most
toy and hobby shops) is piloted by remote control (500 yd range), which
has optional faceplates to replicate the feel of your video-game
controller of choice ($25 ea.). And what about the rest of the year??
ElectronicFarts and Searing Entertainment have joined together to make
NaKaBrit Challenge, a first-person (or head-to-head) Brit-Kicking
experience for X-Box and Nintendo 64 ($73 but the price is falling fast)
utilizing the latest Vortex 3-D technology to keep you and your entire
family (not recommended for children under 3) in the Brit Kicking spirit
through the next millennium.
Now, happy hunting you youngins!
Editor’s Note: Ben, long time contributor and comedic scapegoat of usian.org, spends most of his time living anywhere but in the present. I promised to give him a free usian.org shirt for his article last year but forgot. I considered promising him the same shirt this year, but he’s actually smarter than he looks.
