In previous years I’ve talked a lot about how to enhance your kicking and partying during National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. I’ve covered history, and gadgets as well as published articles about many subjects that encourage you to do all you can for this little recognized holiday. This year, I’m going to take some time to talk about enthusiasm, specifically, too much of it. As with any holiday activity, brit kicking requires some safety. Most people take some pause at this, safety in a holiday revolving around kicking people in the crotch? Yes, even brit kicking should be safe. This isn’t a call for padded British pants, however, I would never tarnish the true joy that can be had from a wincing limey.
What I will cover today are several cases of overzealous or unsafe holiday celebration. They may not all be famous stories but I think that they properly illustrate the point of not getting too carried away while still having fun.

#1 Wilson McGuiness and the Statue. From a local news story in New Hampshire comes the story of Wilson McGuiness, a banker and patriot abroad to England during NKaBitNW. Wilson learned too late that he would be in London during the week and did not have time to properly plan things out. During the day he attended to his business affairs, but during the evening he tried his best to celebrate in the best way possible. London of course does not celebrate our grand tradition for obvious reasons (an entire city crawling around holding their crotches doesn’t get much done; to say nothing of those who would fall onto the subway rails), nor do they have accessory shops to vend to those who have forgotten their britkicking boots or bootbats. Not wanting to be thrown in jail while traveling on the company dime, McGuiness got roaring drunk and went on a brit kicking tear, during which not a single brit was harmed. He did this by kicking the nuts of every statue in London. Accompanied by a flask of Jack Daniels whiskey, he made sure that no statue went unkicked, that is, until he broke every tow in his left foot on a particularly heart-filled kick to a pair of bronze gonads. He had to spend time in the hospital and do some explaining to the boss back home when he returned. Thankfully, the company overlooked the mishap in light of our glorious holiday.

#2 The Bootmobile. In the late 1940’s, the executives at General Motors were relishing the spoils of post war economic booms. Wanting to find a way to give something back to the country which had made them so rich, they hatched a plan to build a vehicle that could bring people together for National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. After a few years of R&D, the bootmobile was born. Using their best technologies, they built a car with two engines. One to power the vehicle itself and one to operate a series of spining booted arms which adorned the car. The problem quickly became apparent that these arms were much too powerful to be used on normal humans. The earliest tests on dummies resulted in two or more pieces of dummy being flung at high speeds in separate directions as the boots demolished their targets. Not willing to give up, GM held a large celebratory party in which they would use the car on a series of wooden effigies. Halfway through the lights came on and the speaker gladly presented the public with the Bootmobile. The car proceeded to drive forwards, smashing the wooden brits to pieces. So many pieces in fact that many of the bystanders were showered with splinters of wood. Eventually, the boots on the spinning arms became loose and flew from their posts, flying into the crowd and knocking out several bystanders with their steel tips. Again, the plan was noble, but the execution was very flawed. The GM tale is well known among those seeking mechanical brit kicking and thankfully has not been repeated.

#3 Nuts, The Game. Following a long line of occurances where video games depicting violence drive children into uncontrollable kill frenzies, comes the story of Nuts, The Game. Namco, the large arcade gaming company sought to capitalize on the success of National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week by developing and releasing a game called Nuts, The Game. This arcade machine would allow you to wear a boot with a sensor and kick a large rubber mat which sensed the location and intensity of the hits. These kicks would affect the digital Brits on the screen and affect your score. Picture House of the Dead, but with Brits getting kicked in the nuts instead of Zombies being hit the face with shotgun blasts. While it was a terrific game I am told, it was in low distribution making it’s way to very few arcades outside of Japan (where it flourished, but only in the fetish market). In one such arcade, a young boy had spent several hours playing Nuts The Game, and had finally run out of quarters to feed the beast. Within hours, however, he was arrested in his small Oklahoma town for assault and battery of a Mexican man. When questioned later, the boy said the man was doing an Austin Powers impression and needed to be kicked. While I personally agree that the Austin Powers impression needs punishment, the police did not. Specifically because it was mid June. You see, just as Doom makes serial killers out of 10 year olds and Grand Theft Auto causes movie starts to detonate atom bombs in nursing homes, Nuts The Game was too realistic, causing a young boy to lash out at someone who was not even British.

#4 The Tony Blair Rumor. Last among my events to cover is one that I have heard only a rumor about and only recently. It has been said that in a visit to troops occupying Iraq earlier this week, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was booted in the nuts by an American soldier. Most would dismiss this immediately as pure fairy tale, simply because of the name involved. It could very well be a lie or tall tale, but I think the likelihood of American soldiers, facing danger daily far from home, wanting to show their support for our nation would engage in at least some Brit Kicking. The real events are probably more proportional with a soldier kicking a british officer or soldier, but the Tony Blair rumor has come to me from more than one source in the military. It would normally be an outstanding diplomatic affair, but no one likes to have it all over the news that they took a shot to the junk. I am sad to say it, but there are probably some cases where a Brit should not be kicked and this is one of them. Tony Blair is still British, and he still deserves it, but if he takes it the wrong way, the repercussions could last a lot longer than the celebration. Also, some would say that Iraq would not legally allow the celebration of National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, but they’re as good as a state anyway.

So that sums it up for now, four cases of Brit kicking gone just a little too far. I hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday and I’ll see you all here again next year!

Some people say that National Kick a Brit in the Nuts week has faded
from national consciousness, and that the few, yet proud, adherents to
America’s oldest holiday are much like the last handful of Japanese
soldiers who refused to believe that their Emperor had surrendered, and
continued to hide out in the dense jungle of their South Pacific island,
year after lonely year, until one by one they were let in on the cruel
truth that they had been hiding from humanity needlessly … I am often,
in my most dismal moments, inclined to believe them. Whatever the sorry
state of this holiday (and you might remember my several previous essays
and other contributors’ efforts to illustrate its glorious past) — we
at usian.org look to the future. And for me, the future looks good.

You, my loyal reader, might just be a member of the future vanguard of
valiant Brit-kickers (provided you aren’t a jaded old-timer, but someone
who has stumbled upon usian.org for it’s brand of youthful, irreverent
humor, tasteless images, and pee sex). Brit-kicking as a National
Passtime has suffered from a variety of problems that has lead to
something of a decline, and for which the technologies of the
near-future (and for many of these technologies, the future is now!)
offer solutions, not least among them is the increasing difficulty to
identify the British, especially the younger generation of them, what
with improved dental care, shifting global fashion trends, and the
Britons’ sheer pluck and determination to hide from our boot-bats. So,
AmeriTech 3000 offers the first of its kind, a hand-held Brit-detector,
with an optional Canadian plug-in. The Brit-or-Not spyscope is a
night-vision enabled scope which will flawlessly identify Britishers
using the latest in Brit identification technology. Never again suffer
from a lack of Brit-Kicking victims. (Retails for $399 in three
fashionable colors: American Flag, Gun-Mental Grey, & Camo)

As we all know, the younger generation suffers from atrophied arm and
leg muscles do to endless hours spent playing video games and plugged
into the “inernet.” This makes swinging the traditional Boot-Bat
something of a problem. Never fear, as Cincinnati’s Bat-Science
Workshop has the answer. Their robotic Boot-Bat (a cheap $250 at most
toy and hobby shops) is piloted by remote control (500 yd range), which
has optional faceplates to replicate the feel of your video-game
controller of choice ($25 ea.). And what about the rest of the year??
ElectronicFarts and Searing Entertainment have joined together to make
NaKaBrit Challenge, a first-person (or head-to-head) Brit-Kicking
experience for X-Box and Nintendo 64 ($73 but the price is falling fast)
utilizing the latest Vortex 3-D technology to keep you and your entire
family (not recommended for children under 3) in the Brit Kicking spirit
through the next millennium.

Now, happy hunting you youngins!
Editor’s Note: Ben, long time contributor and comedic scapegoat of usian.org, spends most of his time living anywhere but in the present. I promised to give him a free usian.org shirt for his article last year but forgot. I considered promising him the same shirt this year, but he’s actually smarter than he looks.

Note: What follows is the edited transcription of a talk given by N. Kogneato, a wise cracking student of the martial arts. A flunking student, but a student nonetheless. Unfortunately, Senor Kogneato has some problems which are not unlike tourettes syndrome. I have highlighted these comments so that they can be skipped over. Think of them as a separate personality shining through. A crazy, maladjusted second personality.
Mr. Kogneato’s Note: A cohort of mine decided that it would be interesting to him and all three of his readers if I wrote an article for his slightly amusing and mostly banal website so here goes….
As some of you may know and/or not really care about, National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week is here. exciting isn’t it? In the interest of keeping the holiday spirit alive and unfettered by both plaster casts & uncomfortable bandaging, I have decided to lay out a few safety advisories which may if all goes according to plan completely take all the fun out of kicking a british-ish piñata in the nuts and forcing it to shit candy candy ass! HA! all over the floor of Erik’s lovely cat infested home.
Now first of all let me be the first to declare that I will, of course, follow none of my own advice. Also hopefully, even though I do not imbibe in the spirits that seem to flow like rivers out of the kitchen at said domicile, I hope to break my toe like a good little fucking drunk, belligerent, asshole, American, wannabe-ninja should whenever engaging in the act of kicking a fat, stupid, cardboard facsimile, of a Brit in his fat, stupid, cardboard nuts. Or at the very least break something valuable that I don’t own the best part is… I won’t be able to blame it on the alcohol!.
Alright now, for the un-initiated, National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week was started by a racist pig, who is either friends with or is the author of, this unusually unpopular, website (I can never tell the difference any more). It is the celebration of our nation’s independance from, crappy, british pop music or something…. The idea being that we are American and since we’re seperated by a vast ocean and They can’t really do anything about it. And since we kicked the shit out of them in The War, AND since we have this cool declaration thingy stating that we can express ourselves any fucking way we want, then we celebrate by using our toes as spermicide, and crushing the precoital life out of our musical oppressors!
Ok, on to the advisory:

Before kicking any nuts in, you should if your not a pansy ass alcoholic like me who can’t drink any more because he wets himself imbibe in a healthy amount of any alcohol that isn’t British my favorite was always cheap ass vodka that comes in the unbreakable nifty plastic bottles. If you can convince him and if he’s not so drunk that the drinks hes making are unsuitable for consumption and unless you’re related to me and your name is Bill try asking Jesse to make you fourteen apple martini’s. You’ll only get two but it’s worth it, those things are good man!!!!

Tie your shoes.

If you feel you have imbibed i love that word! too much and can’t drive your sloppy ass home: DO NOT let Brian convince you to let him drive you there. He doesn’t have a license and he will end up staying overnight for about 3.5 weeks.

When you are inebriated, make absolutely sure that the cardboard nuts you are kicking are actually cardboard and not one of your fellow patriots. I suggest asking him a question that only a real American can answer. Any question will do actually, if he’s British and made of cardboard he wont answer. Also if he happens to be simply one of your friends who has had one two many of Jesse’s nearly famous apple martini’s, and has simply passed out on the floor…. then kick’em in the nuts anyways if they wake up, then well and good. the fucko shouldn’t be asleep any ways when nut kicking is going on! And if they don’t wake up someone should probably call an ambulance or something.

Much merriment and wicked-racially-prejudice-borne laughter will ensue the day of the celebration. Please do not try to swallow foodstuffs of any kind while laughing. Although this is a neat trick when done correctly, and highly impressive to the rest of us mere mortals, it is not recommended when alcohol and/or THC are involved in the mix. Besides, the Heimlich manoeuvre* is just too much fun to do painfully. Also, that’s the only way I know how to do it.

Those are the safety advisory rules that I’ve come up with to help protect yourself during the Brit kicking soiree.
Editor’s Note: As mentioned above, due to Senor Kogneato’s condition, this was a difficult piece to present for you. Let it be said that if he were a zoo animal, you would be instructed not to feed him. And he would be located far away from the bears, his natural predators.

ma·noeu·vre (m-nvr, -ny ALIGN=”BOTTOM”>-) n. & v. Chiefly British Variant of maneuver.