Last year, I celebrated National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week probably more than I have ever celebrated it in my life. Not only did I spend an entire week devoted to filling pages of content revolving around it, but we threw a party to celebrate. The party was a big success, probably one of the best we have ever thrown, AND there was a Brit present. I’ll get to that later. I’ve decided that in addition to telling people about the history and news surrounding such a forgotten holiday, I want to share my experience on how to celebrate National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week too. Aside from just finding a guy who talks funny and booting him in the nads.

When I originally heard about the holiday, I was mostly a shut in. I didn’t have many friends with which to have a party, so I spent the week looking for any Brits that I could kick. I consider this to be the base level of celebration. Putting your booted foot into British crotch is what the holiday is all about, just like Halloween is all about taking candy from strangers. If you don’t want to get into it too much, this is all fine and good, but I find that getting into the spirit of things can be fun in this otherwise dull month we call August.

In following years, I stepped up my involvement, letting people know that the holiday was upon on, and spreading cheer by inviting others to come along. On normal days, a bunch of people singling out a target and kicking them would be called gang activity, but during the holidays, it’s all in good fun. Celebrating like this can be likened to carolling at Christmas. You walk around singing and annoying people until someone throws a snowball at you, except that during National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, they’re throwing things in fear and running away from you and your merry companions.

Last year was the biggest celebration I had ever participated in. I did a week long update of my website, showing that I was truly a supporter. I encouraged others to join in on the fun. I kicked British people and things in places that would hurt them. And I helped organize a party on National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Day. Of course, partying and drinking, mixing drinks and getting drunk– these are all things I would do most any week. But for National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week we tried to go all out. The bar was very well stocked, I believe the bill for liquor alone (discounting beer) reached nearly 100 dollars (this would later be topped by Christmas, which closed on 175 but the party flopped). We also had streamers, balloons, whistles, candy, and a piñata, which was to be our Brit effigy. The pinata was a hit, no pun intended, drawing everyone at the party together to see who would be the first to break open our synthetic “friend” at the groin. I knew that the party was going well when, after already having spilled his sugary guts, people gathered around my friend Rachel chanting as she repeatedly drove the heel of her shoe into the piñata’s crotch.

The biggest surprise of last year’s party was that an actual real life Brit from Britland showed up. And he had a good time! The biggest reason for this was because my friend Sarah forbade us from harming him in any way. Barring that, he drank the drinks I gave him, circulating the house with them. With each successive drink, his circles around the house got smaller, until he was circling the table outside the kitchen. Eventually, he stood leaned against the wall outside the kitchen because he could no longer stand, asking for more drinks. Everyone who attended got a kick out of having a real Brit there too (though not literally), simply because they had a scapegoat to yell anti-British sentiments at. So I must say that having a Brit at your party, even if you are not allowed to kick him, can make things more exciting.

Now there may be those people who do not know a Brit that they can invite. There may be those who do not wish to throw an all out bash, or cannot spend time planning for such an event. To those people, I say look at the calendar. National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week is a grand American holiday. Before it, in July, you have Independence day, one of the largest holidays of the year. It’s generally a very active day with the fireworks, drinking, rough-housing, and other activities. On the other side, in early September, is Labor Day. This is more of a sedate holiday, where you sit back with friends and family and barbecue or relax. A great solution is to take the two and mix them for the holiday that lands in the middle. Barbeque with friends and family, then as night falls, break out the pinata, mannequin or other symbolic Brit (or any real ones you may happen to know), and gather around for few good punts. One of the best things about holidays like these is that they are not steeped in ritual or tradition. There are general activities that you can participate in, but you don’t have to get a tree, you don’t have to go to church, you don’t have to light candles, and Jesus isn’t going to see his shadow and declare 4 more months of Winter. Like all other great American holidays, you have the Freedom to kick the British in any manner you choose, be it metaphorical, actual, or substitutional.

Enjoy National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, everyone. Kick a Brit with the people you love.

So the Editorial Board of Usian.org was very persuasive in convincing me to write another essay for National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. Actually, I should say, Jesse was mighty persuasive, especially holding the Editorial Board(TM) in his hand, and pounding it threateningly against his palm. Then he locked me in a dark room and threatened to release the rats. I pretty much gave in then. Well, is it just me, or have we always been at war with East Asia?

But onto the subject at hand: National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. My last effort delved into the little known history of our great holiday through the early part of the 19th century. Everyone was pretty farking bored by that, and most people, when filling out random Usian.org visitor satisfaction surveys indicated that the popularity of said essay was due almost entirely to The Ugliest Picture of Me on the Internet(TM).

This IS the ugliest picture of Ben on the internet.This time, however, I’ve hit on a surefire topic, one guaranteed to make the wire services, and maybe even Google News. We all know everybody loves conspiracies. We also know everybody is gonzo over conspiracies that took place during World War II. At least, everybody who watches the Hitler, I mean History Channel does. So, it all began in 1943, when depth charges forced a German U-Boat to the surface. On board was a working copy of the German code-deciphering device dubbed the Enigma machine by the brave boys of Bletchely Park.

Ouch! — The Editorial Board(TM) informs me that Usian.org is striving for a younger demographic. Apparently Usian.org is trying, in order to raise ad revenue, to appeal to the 18-35 set, who have never heard of World War II. Lucky for us, the conspiracy only began in the hazy days following… ah hell, fuck it– let’s skip right to the Beatles. That’s right, the Beatles. John, Paul, George, and Ringo. All of them Brits. Yeah okay, so you know where this is going: during their first American tour, the meat of which happened to coincide with National Kick a Brit in the Nuts week, the Fab Four were subjected to a very inglorious welcome.

By this time, its empire dismantled, hanging its head in shame, Britain was desperate to expand its influence in any way possible. Apple Records called up Downing Street, and the message was relayed through secret but identifiable channels, all the way to MI5. The British Secret Service, keenly aware that the attention span of an average American surpassed in the animal kingdom only that of the African fruit fly, and was on par with the common goldfish, went into action. They trained and placed agents at all the major publishers of calendars, reminders, and date-books, for a dangerous and important mission.

One year later, National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week failed to occur! For, every calendar printed that year mysteriously left the date unmentioned. This was the greatest conspiracy ever performed by an intelligence service, and remained uncorrected for decades, until one courageous website brought the travesty to light, and restored to a hungry people once again their blissful holiday. And yes, the Ugliest Picture of Me on the Internet(TM) is still available.

It sure is… Ben is the longtime butt of many usian.org jokes, some of which include pooping in the car. But aside from the jibes he graciously accepts, he has been a contributer in all three years of usian.org’s National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week celebrations. He is the artist responsible for 2001’s celebration image. He also guided Erik and I through London on my trip to Europe, during which the Ugliest Picture of Ben on the Internet(TM) was taken.

I have been asked very sweetly by Jesse to contribute an article to National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, and I don’t intend to fail to deliver! In fact, all this talk about unrecognized holidays has gotten me thinking about other previously unnoticed, uncelebrated holidays. I’ve decided to take a little slice of time out of my pie to discuss these holidays. It was a little tough because unknown holidays are well, unknown. So, I had to do some digging. Once you read over some of them, I am sure you’ll agree that it’s only a matter of days before everyone jumps on the bandwagon. Here are the especially good (and by good, I mean patriotic, American, and therefore correct) holidays:

“Tell a Joke About a Black Person Day” Well, some people are going to protest, “that’s every day!” but NOT SO. There used to be only one day. I am not too sad about this turning into a year-round thing, though, because anyone who knows me knows how much I like my black jokes.

“National Start a Riot and Steal What You Want Day” Especially popular in California, this holiday seemed to have been formed around the 1990’s in retaliation to the above-forgotten holiday. It soon escalated into “National Start a Riot, Loot, and Scare People Off the Streets Month”. When the fun got out of hand, they banned this holiday, saying it gave minorities a bad name. But let me pose this question to those who banned the holiday: how did you get the computer that you’re reading this on? That’s what I thought.

“National Give Me (Christina) Money Day” This one just got passed by Congress, and is probably the most important, new, unknown holiday. It’s going to revolutionize holidays. Instead of just being one day, it’s going to be every and any day. If you’re unfamiliar with the holiday, just PayPal me $5 and I will fill you in some more. As a bonus, I’ll send you instructions on how to get your own holiday passed. beenough@aol.com. Thanks.

“National Pretend You’re a Minority Month” This is where you whine about the way your ancestors were treated. The cool thing about this holiday is that everyone can participate. If you’re European, you can just whine about how your ancestors came here originally to escape persecution. Or, you can go for the intellectually challenging and baffle them with bullshit, “I am marginalized as a middle class white.” Careful, though. Some minorities whine louder and have had more practice. If you’re not skilled, avoid celebrating in this way. If that fails, pull the “I am part Native American” card. Everyone is part Native American, why not abuse the excuse of abuse they suffered and use it to your own ends? If you’re wondering why this is an entire month, and not just a day or a week, it’s probably because your ancestors whined about only getting a week. Wusses.

…And, my favorite:

“National Hit a Frenchman With his Stupid Hat and Call Him a Sissy Day”  I really think this one is going to get big. Well, as soon as I start telling hick people who enjoy the “Freedom Fries” concept about it, it will.That concludes the first round of holidays that I’ve dug up. You really should re-read that send Christina money holiday because I’ve put in some extra work, weeding out the unnecessary holidays for you. Primo stuff here. Think about it.

Disclaimer: I don’t really tell jokes about black people. Well, at least not any I would admit to telling.

-Christina.

Despite being possibly the most racially diverse girl I’ve ever known, Christina still manages to rise above adversity and achieve new heights in racism. Also, I must say that while entertaining, I have no actual evidence supporting the claims that these are real holidays. Unlike National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, which is most definitely real, and always has been,