Let’s Play a Game. A Stupid One.
The following is a preview of the Beta stage of a new text game usian.org developers have been hard at work on for months. The working title of the game is: Dignity Versus Dirty Rag, but it is still in Beta. Anyway, this game should bring together two worlds: people not reading my site and video games, so I’ve decided to give you all this exclusive preview. Who knows, maybe this will set a precedent and I can start some lame ass pay service like Gamespot or IGN. heh.
CrackHedMo: pssst. update ask us
CrackHedMo: …weird who said that
Senat0r Jesse: ask us is so full of crap though
CrackHedMo: I don’t know what your talking about
CrackHedMo: I heard someone say it but I don’t know who
CrackHedMo: ::adjusts monocle::
Senat0r Jesse: if you heard someone say it then they’re in the room with you
Senat0r Jesse: because I didn’t hear a thing
CrackHedMo: and where did I get a monocle
Senat0r Jesse: I read it
CrackHedMo: someone’s in the room with me and my monocle!?!?!
Senat0r Jesse: I think so
Senat0r Jesse: be careful
CrackHedMo: do you think it’s jesus?
CrackHedMo: Jesse I think Jesus wants you to update ask us
CrackHedMo: psssst. update ask us.
Senat0r Jesse: There is a purple vase on the end table to the west and an open window to the north. There is a door on the south wall of this room, it is closed and has a brass knob.
Senat0r Jesse: ? _
CrackHedMo: yes, ok I’m there
CrackHedMo: now what?
Senat0r Jesse: I don’t understand.
Senat0r Jesse: I don’t understand.
CrackHedMo: I thought those were directions
Senat0r Jesse: I don’t understand.
CrackHedMo: ok I’m at the brass handle
CrackHedMo: do I open it?
CrackHedMo: what if there’s an exceedingly annoying blonde kid holding a hot plate to it?
Senat0r Jesse: You’re standing next to the door with the brass handle, it is very shiny and almost beckons to you to be opened.
Senat0r Jesse: ? _
CrackHedMo: yes it does.
CrackHedMo: what of the hot plate?
Senat0r Jesse: There is no item by that name in this area.
CrackHedMo: open door
CrackHedMo: god damn it whats in the room?!
CrackHedMo: look in room
Senat0r Jesse: You turn the handle and push on the door, then realize this is the pull side. You step back and open the door. A pie hits you in the face, it’s Boston Creme. You look around for who did it but you don’t see anyone.
You are in an empty room with torn up hardwood floors. There is a bloody rag in the corner and an exit to the East.
Senat0r Jesse: ? _
CrackHedMo: pickup rag
CrackHedMo: put on rag
CrackHedMo: put rag on face
CrackHedMo: equip chainsaw
Senat0r Jesse: You pick up the rag, careful not to get any blood on your fingers, it’s dripping and cold.
Senat0r Jesse: you put the rag on your face, ew…
Senat0r Jesse: you pull out the chainsaw.. time for some fun.
Senat0r Jesse: ? _
CrackHedMo: looking for innocent…er evil doers
Senat0r Jesse: I don’t understand.
CrackHedMo: walk out into hall of the fates
CrackHedMo: equip cheap cigar
CrackHedMo: equip lawn gnome
CrackHedMo: equip dignity
Senat0r Jesse: Vision clouded by cold disgusting blood on your face, you begin walking with the chainsaw outstretched in front of you. You feel it begin to carve into a wall and begin flailing about making an opening. You are now in the Halls of Medicine. Through a gap on the side of the rag you can see blue skinned men with no faces wearing business suits.
Senat0r Jesse: ? _
CrackHedMo: equip cheap cigar
CrackHedMo: equip lawn gnome
CrackHedMo: equip dignity
Senat0r Jesse: You take out a cheap cigar but cannot use it because there is a dirty bloody rag in your mouth.
CrackHedMo: equip rag to head
Senat0r Jesse: You can’t hold the LAWN GNOME until you put away your CHAINSAW
CrackHedMo: equip cheap cigar
CrackHedMo: hurl lawn gnome
Senat0r Jesse: You move the BLOODY DISGUSTING RAG to the top of your head, like a yamaca.
Senat0r Jesse: You place the CHEAP CIGAR in your mouth. You feel cooler, oddly enough.
Senat0r Jesse: I don’t understand.
Senat0r Jesse: ? _
CrackHedMo: heave lawn gnome at blue men
Senat0r Jesse: You cannot use or equip LAWN GNOME until you put away CHAINSAW.
CrackHedMo: equip dignity
CrackHedMo: put away chainsaw
CrackHedMo: equip lawn gnome
CrackHedMo: ::sigh::
CrackHedMo: hurl lawn gnome at blue men
Senat0r Jesse: Tossing the BLOODY DISGUSTING RAG from your head and wiping your face with your handkerchief, you straight up your back and bite down on CIGAR. You don’t feel quite so completely stupid.
Senat0r Jesse: You put away the CHAINSAW.
CrackHedMo: pickup rag!
CrackHedMo: equip rag to head
Senat0r Jesse: You take out a small LAWN GNOME. It’s a plaster statue of a jolly fellow.
Senat0r Jesse: You let out a sigh. The Blue Men have noticed you. They are beginning to walk, with their arms completely straight, towards you from the end of the hall.
CrackHedMo: hurl lawn gnome at blue men
Senat0r Jesse: You hurl the LAWN GNOME at the Blue Men. It smashes harmlessly against one of their faces.
CrackHedMo: equip dignity
CrackHedMo: equip butt plug
Senat0r Jesse: You already have DIGNITY equipped.
Senat0r Jesse: You cannot wear DIGNITY and BUTT PLUG at the same time.
CrackHedMo: equip heroin
CrackHedMo: give heroin to blue men
Senat0r Jesse: Tearing a hole in the arm of your suit, you pull out a needle. Sticking it into your nearest vein you shoot the HEROIN into your body in anticipation of the nearby conflict.
Senat0r Jesse: You no longer have HEROIN, you used it.
Senat0r Jesse: You feel sleepy.
Senat0r Jesse: You sit down.
CrackHedMo: use methamphetamines
Senat0r Jesse: You can’t seem to get your fingers to hold the METHAMPHETAMINES properly, you feel slow.
Senat0r Jesse: You think you took too much.
CrackHedMo: use healing factor
Senat0r Jesse: The Blue Men have stopped rushing towards you, they are pointing and gyrating in silent laughter at you while you lay on the floor. One of them takes out a clipboard and writes notes while casually bonking you on the head.
Senat0r Jesse: You do not have HEALING FACTOR in your inventory.
CrackHedMo: give cooler containing the brain tumor that killed a man to the blue men
Senat0r Jesse: You do not have COOLER CONTAINING BRAIN TUMOR THAT KILLED A MAN in your inventory.
CrackHedMo: Shout Thieves
Senat0r Jesse: You wish that you could save this log.
Senat0r Jesse: The HEROIN gets the better of you. Everything goes dark.
CrackHedMo: I DIDN’T TAKE THE HEROIN
Senat0r Jesse: You’re standing next to the door with the brass handle, it is very shiny and almost beckons to you to be opened.
CrackHedMo: GIVE HEROIN TO BLUE MEN
Senat0r Jesse: hahahaha
Senat0r Jesse: Game Over
CrackHedMo: lol
CrackHedMo: the game blows
CrackHedMo: back to LARP it is
