Since many Americans are not familiar with the Holiday week that is National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, I feel that it is my place to explain a little of the history of the holiday and what it’s all about. So here for you on usian.org I will recount as best I know, this history of said holiday. It’s actual a rather noble and patriotic story. So sit back and read on, as I share some of America’s history with you.
As is common knowledge, our country used to be nothing more than a British colony. But then, our forefathers rose up like the ornery hicks they were, and they overthrew the British, sending them right back to Britland. But of course as most can understand there was some bitterness left over after the revolution. So, the newly formed confederation decided that they would devote a holiday so that the people could vent their frustration against the British. Now, in these times, the frustration was high, and the holiday devoted was the entire third week of August. Later, the Confederation crumbled and gave way to the Constitution and the United States of America.

The holiday still remained however, eventually the resentment for the British was forgotten. National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week dwindled and eventually became National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Day. This day was the Friday of the third week of August. After the Civil War however, with England’s helping the Southern Confederacy, the Holiday sparked up to a full week again. And all was right in the country once more. People really enjoyed a holiday such as this. It provided a healthy scapegoat and one that everyone unanimously agreed they could blame for their problems.

Eventually however, with the rise of the 20th Century, America decided that a national holiday that was so jaded towards a certain type of person was not something they wanted to stain public affairs and just stopped mentioning the holiday. National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week and even National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Day were eventually stricken from calendars and slowly, the public forgot.

The country went through several wars and progressed with civil rights and such. Veteran’s Day and Labor Day were added, holidays that everyone loved. Several other minor holidays added. But no one remembered the time when Americans came together to give the British a good healthy kick to the nuts. No one really seemed to care. After all, they all loved the Beatles. How could anyone want to kick Brits? Well, it’s a deep seeded desire. Everyone in the world would like to kick the British. They almost owned the whole thing at one point and they’ve wronged everyone from the Chinese, to the Indians, to Africa. So eventually, after the 60’s and early 70’s, people began to get it in the back of their minds again. Kick the British. Kick them right in their funny talking fag smoking nuts.
In the late 90’s, after Khaled Mardem-Bey released mIRC 5.2, I was upset. I’m not sure what about anymore but I was certain that his error was purely because it was british coded. I also have a problem with the words colour, armour, shoppe, and all the british things that people say because they think it’s right. At any rate, I did some searching and I found record of National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. So I started digging. I found most of the information above in the library, looking up what people used to do for fun in the days after the Revolutionary War. I thought it was a great holiday and the British seemed like they weren’t really offended by it, so I decided I wanted to make sure everyone I knew heard about this holiday. I told most people but not many of them really got into the spirit of it.
Some people call me mean spirited or “delusionally psychotic” but they don’t see the joy of the holiday. You remember that guy in National Lampoon’s European Vacation? I think of the British like that. They don’t really care that we kick them in the nuts once a year for a holiday. They like to have a good time too. Besides, they nearly kill themselves every time there’s a soccer game. So the point is, don’t feel bad, everyone’s in it for the fun. Go out there and kick some Brits.

One of my many (don’t lie) fans is a cam girl. Now I know, I know, cam girls are dirty and such, but she’s pretty nice and she doesn’t have one of those wish lists on her site so that stupid idiots on the internet can buy her stuff. But she does have a billion and a half admirers. She tells me about them every now and then and I tell her how rough it must be to have people wanting to get in her pants all the time. One time though, she tells me about this guy who wrote her a poem. To.. you know… woo her or something.

This guy, who she tells me is a total jock, wrote her a nice little poem, which I have for your reading pleasure here:

Through these eyes I can see a girl
as beautiful as an ageless pearl
She's my angel, She'll always be
The one I care ful, and love so truly
As time goes on, my love grows for her
For I would do anything just to hear her (purr)
She's the one & only girl, the one I cherish and hold so tight
The one who makes me feel just right
I will be there for my princess in time of need
For she is the one I need for me.
When we spend time together
It makes me feel that it will last forever
Honey I love you so much
That time will tell what is in store for us.

I love how it starts to fall apart at the end, so he just starts telling her how he loves her. My own personal amusement aside, my official stance on this.. creative work… is that jocks should be banned from English class. If you play more than two sports in high school, I’m sorry, you took your last English class in 8th Grade. I don’t care if you like to read. I don’t care if you are smart and good at sports. Something has to be done. Sacrifices have to be made. A few jocks might be intelligent enough to survive through their years drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and driving trucks to become productive members of society. But for the good of the human race, those people will need to be left uneducated for the greater good.

What if our culture is destroyed and future generations come upon our works of literature much like we did with the greeks. What will they think of us if they see this? They’ll say: wow man has really evolved since then. How did these people get anything done with all these idiots around?”.

I used to see jocks writing horrible stuff in high school too, because they had to for English or wanted to be in the school magazine. They would write stories about how they tried so hard to kick the goal, making metaphors about them sweating, or they get all sentimental about their trucks and how much fun they have drinking cheap beer with the girls from the soccer team.

So this is yet another thing to tack onto my list of things to get the government to do for me. Along with Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week and several other little things to make our lives better, my proposals could make the United States a better place. Unfortunately people like jocks for some reason and there are actually those who enjoy a british accent so these may never come to bear. But I can always dream.