This weekend I went on a 3 day Dreamcast bender. Yes, Friday night, I had the craving, like a fiend for nicotine.. but I didn’t need a cigarette, if you know what I mean. I needed Dreamcast. In a bad way. And then my new dealer called. Erik had the stuff. Several wonderful new games and he invited me to come share them with him. So I did. And we played. And it was good.

Late Night gave way to Late Late Night which gave way to Early Morning. Erik’s house was cold but I’d had so much Dreamcast I could barely tell unless I set down the controller. But eventually I did notice it was cold, and so I laid down on the floor near the heater and soon it was morning, so I slept some more and then it was Afternoon. When I woke up, Erik’s house guest had moved out. I think she had planned to do this actually and not just because we had been up till 5 AM screaming and playing games. In light of this we sat down and played some more Dreamcast. Three hours later I realized that I was really hungry. An hour later, we turned off the TV and left for food.

A strong believer in moderation, after this binge we thought it a good idea to see some movies instead of go straight back to the little white box. So Sanjay, Erik, and I saw “Snatch”, which was really funny. Then I saw “Antitrust” while they saw “Oh Brother Where Art Thou”. But as all true fiends, after this over, something was on my mind in a big way. Phantasy Star Online. Returning to Eriks, I played and played and soon it was after midnight again. This time I went home at the end of the night and slept a nice deep sleep.

I’m sure you can all guess by now what happened when I woke up. If you guessed: went outside and had a nice breakfast on the porch, you are completely wrong. I sat on the couch and basked in the light and glory that is Dreamcast once more. I don’t know how long I played, because by this point I had done so much Dreamcast during the weekend it was starting to distort my perception of time. Finally, the weekend concluded and I woke up with a Controller Hangover and went to work.

But it doesn’t end there you see, oh no! I’ve been coming home for lunch to play. And increasing my visits to gaming websites. Even tonight when I knew I had to update my site, there was a dilemma. The Dreamcast is closer to the front door than the computer is, and in passing I was afraid I might dive over the couch towards the controller. Thankfully I didn’t turn it on yet. If I had I would have most likely cancelled my plans for the evening, which themselves even consist of playing video games, and just stayed home for maximum gaming time. The saddest part of the whole affair is that my friends aren’t helping. Erik and Eddie both own Dreamcasts now, and other friends are thinking of getting them. How am I supposed to take hold of my addiction when everyone is encouraging me? Alas, I do not know.

The Japanese really have a good thing going on with all the giant robot stuff they use in their cartoons and comics. I really like giant robots a lot. I like robots in general a lot. I was OBSESSED with Transformers. Very Obsessed. As a kid I didn’t have as much of a toy income allotted as some might, but my obsession with robots could not be quenched. An example of this were the wooden Transformers me and my dad designed. Those were some dooseys. Their heads came off, because I really liked Headmasters at the time they were conceived. They all turned into tanks too. But anyway, I like robots. And I would definitely love to have a giant robot straight out of a Japanese Anime cartoon. So, in realizing this wish, I’ve devised a list of things that I could use a giant robot for.

- Destroy every call center on the planet.

I look back on my time as a tech support rep and it gives me horrible horrible pains. I want to spare everyone from this forever. I will step on every call center in the world, using my giant megaphone to inform the techs inside that they have 5 minutes to put their customers on hold and run outside before I start smoshing.

- Beat the shit out of Godzilla.

This guy’s been causing trouble and stepping on cute little Japanese girls for way too long. And a giant robot is the way it’s gonna end.

- Never fly the friendly skies again.

I’m sick of airports, I never want to be in one for a flight ever again. And since all giant robots can fly (Duh!), when I get mine, I won’t have to ever see the inside of LAX ever again.

- Blow up SUV’s.

I hate SUV’s with a passion. I would stand over the freeway and shoot them with my laser eyes for hours on end. And what police force would dare stand up to me and 30 stories of reinforced steel and titanium. Plus, if they send the military I’ll just grab their little planes out of the air and throw them right back at them.

- Stop Megatron.

Another trouble maker. Megatron killed Optimus Prime. I cried when that happened. It’s time for some goddamn payback.

- Go to the Moon.

I’ve always wanted to go there, and a lot of people are skeptical about the mission to the moon that happened in the 60’s, so I’d bring back some pictures to get those wackos off of USENET.

- Bring peace to the Middle East.

Once again, anyone who doesn’t respect the robot, gets stepped on.

- Shoot my robot fists into a mountain or something.

I’ve just always wanted to do this. It’s always cool in the cartoons when the fists shoot off and they have little rockets on the back.

That’s about it. I mean I’m sure I would do plenty of other things, a lot of them involving stepping on people and such, but those are the major items on my agenda. I think I’d like my robot to be mostly white with black and silver trim. That would look pretty spiffy. I’m sure I could get it repainted later if I didn’t like the color as much.

I am one lazy ass motherfucker. And I’m a liar too. I started out thinking it would be a great idea to get people to come to my site more often if I updated more since that’s what everyone complains about constantly. In fact, this is a plague upon websites run by just one guy so much that Toad at crackhore put up a link called: “site not updated enough?” and it contained a big long thing about not harassing him. But toad has an advantage that I don’t, people repeat visit his site. It’s probably true that no one that I have not made go to the site in person has been to my site twice. So anyway, I was gonna update once a week.

And then came the holidays. Now a lesser site runner guy (I didn’t want to say lesser man, because no one ever thinks of making websites as being manly) than I might have said: “oh, well I was on vacation for the holidays thats why I missed three updates”. Even though I said earlier like a month ago: “I have so much content lined up I could keep going for two months without having to think up new shit. But I wasn’t on vacation. You know what I was doing? NOTHING. I was playing video games. Yeah that’s right. I took 6 days off of work, everyone I knew was busy every one of those 6 days so I stayed home, didn’t update the website and I played video games. Every hour or so I looked over at the computer and said: “maybe I should stop and update my site”. But then the Dreamcast said: “well just wait until you finish this level”. And it tricked me like that for 6 days. Not just because I’m gullible and sucker for games, but also because I’m lazy. My couch is probably like 5 feet from my computer, and I was lazy enough to think that if I couldn’t stand up and just fall into the computer chair then I wanted to wait until I was better rested.

So anyway, that’s what happened with the updates thing this past three weeks or so. But that doesn’t explain the liar accusation. Well see, I said I had all this content and stuff. But now I think and I think… and it’s not there. I lost it all. Either I got drunk and forgot it all, or it stopped being funny to me and I thought that it wouldn’t be good to write about.

Now this next point will be one that probably only I remember, but I’ll bring it up anyway since it’s mentioned in the really-funny Universal Truths of usian.org. I always lie about updating. Like I said, it’s a constant. I’ll promise to update, even if I say: “I’ll update this week I promise”. It’s a lie. Don’t believe it. So, that holding true, one would then find true comedy in my pledge to update once a week.

So, to recap. If you like to read usian.org, you should email me more often and let me know, because maybe I would have gotten off the couch and put up some weird pictures of myself in a wig or something to tide you over until I had a night like this. What you’re reading by the way was completely unplanned and I’m not really even sure it’s funny. But I can’t think of another article and I need to update, even if it’s a bad one. So, without further ado, a picture of me in a wig: